Breaking the Cycle of Self Sabotage
It's time to realign
I recently set limits and pulled back my energy tremendously because I realized the environments and things I was investing in were draining me to the point where I was putting my health at risk.
you can still be of service without being a disservice to yourself something I struggled with for years after breaking free from people pleasing sounds similar?
all you need is the truth that doesn’t come easy. Maybe for the first time, you may even be questioning your direction and that’s OK. Or maybe you’re just stumbling upon this article and need a gentle reminder.
For much of my career and life, I was my own greatest obstacle.
Not because I lacked talent, drive, or vision, but because somewhere deep inside, fear whispered louder than faith.
It wasn’t just fear of failure.
It was the fear of being abandoned if I succeeded.
Fear of being seen too clearly.
Fear that the world would confirm the lies trauma once told me:
That I was not enough, not worthy, not safe.
Was I always gonna be targeted?
Could I ever stop allowing others to affect me?
Would I ever stop self-sabotaging because I was scared of my worth and value?
In order to answer these questions, I would have to go back to the beginning…
Where it all began…
Most people would tell you to such it up, do a couple of mindset classes, forgive blah, blah, blah, and no one will tell you it’s filled with loneliness, alienation, and complete failure. That’s the thing, failure comes in many forms, and so does success.
My abuse and trauma began at a very early age and continued well into my adulthood. My Book, Damaged Girl, helps unpack some heavy traumas and experiences. However, can we truly ever unpack it all?
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The truth is, we are not alone, and when you have been through severe trauma, especially abandonment wounds, it can be hard to have a healthy relationship with yourself, let alone other people. Something I have struggled with for most of my life.
Years of conditioning, grooming, and sexual abuse were a large part of my inability to trust others and maintain healthy relationships. There’s this programmed voice within me that reminds me I am one betrayal away or one lie away, and the thoughts start flooding in, and my heart starts beating out of my chest, and it hits me..
I AM ALONE
Damage is only a word. You have the power to allow it to consume your heart. - Damaged Girl Memoir
This is the hidden truth about self-sabotage:
It is rarely laziness or lack of willpower.
It’s a defense mechanism, a misguided act of self-protection born from old wounds.
If you grew up feeling unsafe, unseen, or unworthy, part of you may still believe success will hurt more than staying small.
But here’s the beauty,
Those wounds can become doorways.
Every moment you choose not to shrink back,
every time you take one small, trembling step forward,
you are rewiring the story your nervous system tells about who you are.
Healing doesn’t happen all at once.
It happens in the quiet victories
sending the proposal, making the call, and keeping the promise you made to yourself.
It happens when you remind yourself:
I am not my past. I am my present choice.
Accepting that I am not just my past to be honest with you is still a daily struggle, the truth for a lot of PTSD survivors is that you will be learning how to cope. Check out this informative and supportive article about the effects of trauma on the brain.
If you’ve struggled with self-sabotage because of trauma, fear, or abandonment wounds, you are not broken. You are a survivor, carrying a brilliance that your fear has been trying imperfectly to protect.
And the moment you decide to walk forward with that brilliance anyway…
You begin to become the person you always knew you could be.
Because you are worthy.
Because you are capable.
Because you were never too much, and you were never not enough.
Your wounds are not the end of the story;
They are the beginning of your legacy.
There were so many times when I allowed myself to react emotionally and ended up betraying and abandoning myself. The self-sabotage is not the result of your worth; it’s the result of being mistreated and not recognizing the patterns of behaviors of others, but most importantly, yourself. Yes, you may experience negative self-talk or be overly critical of yourself. This is something we all experience from time to time. Give yourself some grace and space to heal, process, and deal.
A book that has helped me tremendously most recently is Mel Robbins' book, “Let Them.”
Check it out and let me know your favorite tip. I loved the ABC method, also known as the ABC loop. It can help you to inspire positive change within others while maintaining a healthy approach to dealing with relationships.
If you're looking for some sincere direction, you can check out my Self-help book, More Than a Runaway. After my first book, I knew that my path involved helping others, a feat and a challenge I knew I was either going to be able to accept or wuss out on. For the most part, I rose to the occasion, and in some areas, I failed miserably. If there were moments like this where I would have been in a clear state of consciousness, it would have been easier to navigate the pressure from friends, family, and also myself. Dignity or pride, they decided, and so did I. My journey with self-sabotage has not always been an easy one. Publicly humiliated and ridiculed over a miscarriage and targeted because of my opinions. There is always a line that one will cross, whether it is infidelity, addiction, and it all stems back to that damn wounded inner child. The need for validation, the need to be heard, but most importantly, to be heard. The quest I have been on since my awakening has been a journey most would describe as a roller coaster headed to hell. I created a lot of the torment by not allowing myself to accept the facts of some situations.
Do we not understand the power of our words, let alone our intentions?
I was faced with this during my experience of postpartum with my first son. There is a large burden we carry as women, and this is not to rule out our counterparts; it’s to hold a sacred extension of understanding and, most importantly, truth, tough love, and connection. You can still be of service without being a disservice to yourself. I learned the hard way through many failed attempts at business, but also through connections in general. The most impactful moments do not always come in pretty wrapped packages and smiling faces. Sometimes they come as torment, isolation, and pure surrender. The Owl was such a huge part of my transformation and, most importantly, my transcendence towards my why.
“Your Why” is often glamorized and trendier than a TikTok video. Something is life-altering when you stop seeing yourself through the conditions, labels, and expectations of not just others but yourself. The work ethic, the lonely nights spent pondering and meandering over the littlest tiniest details, can send us into a tailspin. I was reminded of this today when I got my groceries from a local market. The cashier seemed frazzled and distant. I extended an offer of solace, “REIKI.” This small moment of holding her hand and the universe aligning us in that moment was truly magical. When I decided to add modalities like Reiki, Meditation, and other holistic practices, it was out of the natural feeling of service.
You feel that pull to help and do not know why.
As a work in progress and learning how not to overextend myself today was such a beautiful balance of even exchange. She surrendered, allowed, and the universe reciprocated.
YES YOU ARE A CO-CREATOR
Oh, yes, so back to More than a runaway. There’s a deeper sense of purpose that becomes introduced to our awareness in a few ways. I wrote the self-help book to remind others that it’s possible to heal in the now. Without permission and validation from external or internal influence. Just pure, raw, and unfiltered.
Intuition
Synchronicity
Universe
Which, by the way, are all connected and extensions of your subconscious mind. Dream as you will and create with the flow of the season or the intricate paint of your canvas that awaits strokes of purpose, strength, and most importantly GRACE. An emotionally unavailable mother, a pedophile ex-stepfather, and an alcoholic father, none of which ended up defining my mind, body, or spirit now. My hope for sharing my mind’s rants and riddles is to allow you, the reader, to tap deeper into that fire and fight within. If you are reading this, just know I am glad you are here. You matter in this world.
If I learned anything, it was most definitely from being rejected, abandoned, and abused, and you may sit there reading this and go What could be learned? The truth is, it’s simple yet complicated.
There’s gonna be days where you sing, dance, and enjoy life’s wonders, and there will be days when it feels like it’s going to storm. The key is to listen to the calm voice within you during the storm and ride it out. This makes Substack the best thing in my opinion that could have happened for humanity right now. As it is sometimes easier to write.
In retrospect of everything you read, it’s up to you to make the effort and be the change you want to see in the world. One Word at a time.
Keep reading and learning without judgment, hold space, be open, and if you do not and can not appreciate it. LET IT FLOW BY.
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Love Elise
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